“Control and Submission”

*On a personal note: I’m not an expert on this subject, but I’ve been in this situation before and know the signs of it happening, which is why I’m writing about it now. Every so often I see someone I care about being controlled by the wrong person and I watch as they become submissive to them. I can only share my personal experience with them to try and help them see the unhealthy situation they’ve allowed themselves to be in, yet as always, it’s a life lesson for them. I can’t fix them, save them, or change their situation…only they can do that. It’s a lesson they need to learn, just as I had many years ago, and all I can do is offer my support and share my experience with them. ~Anne Dennish~

“Submission” is a state in which people can no longer do what they want to do because they have been brought under the control of someone else.

Has this happened to you? Have you lost control of your life because someone else is controlling you?

And why did you allow it to happen?

Maybe you have an underlying need for the controller to love and accept you; maybe you want their attention and time; maybe you idolize them and want to feel as important to them as they are to you.

But it will never happen. They will never give you what you want as long as you’re giving them what they want.

Most times we never see it coming. We wake up one morning and realize that our life is not our own; we find ourselves doing things we don’t’ want to do; we see that our relationships are suffering; we’ve allowed someone to control us without realizing they were doing that; we say “no” to them but we’re beaten into “submission” until we say “yes.”

And that cycle continues until the controller get’s what they want.

And they will always get what they want until you stop allowing them to; until you say “no” and mean it; until you set up boundaries with them which you don’t allow to be crossed.

And until you open your eyes and realize that someone you trusted has been controlling submission 3you.

Why does someone to this?

It’s simple: people who can’t control their own lives will control someone else’s. It’s not because they love you or care for you; it’s not because you think they’re you’re friend; it’s because it builds up their own insecurities and low self-esteem to know that they have the power and control over someone else.

And before long, the people who truly do love and care for you will see what you can’t: that you’re being submissive to a certain someone; that you’re submission affects your relationships with the right people; that you allow someone to control you when the right people wouldn’t do that to you.

There will come a point where the right people will bring it to your attention. They love you and want you to see what they see: that you’ve put all your time and attention into the wrong person rather than the right ones, which are them. They are the ones who will ask you why you allow it; why the controlling person means more to you than the ones who don’t control you; why you allow the controlling person to affect you and your healthy relationships with your significant other, family and true friends. The “right people” will begin to feel unimportant to you because they see what lengths you’re willing to go to for the controller instead of them.

It happens to all of us at one point or more in our lives; it certainly has happened to me, which is why I’m able to see it happening to the people I surround myself with, and it breaks my heart to see the ones I love being controlled by someone and they can’t. I can clearly see the signs of submission and know the exact type of person who will control someone else. It’s never an easy thing to break free from someone like that, but it can be done; you need to accept what they’re doing and begin to do what needs to be done to take back your power.

The first step is realizing it’s happening to you, and if you don’t, accept someone who loves you telling you what they see. Believe the people who love and respect you, the ones who don’t control you, because they have your best interest at heart.

Secondly, break the cycle and that begins with the next time you tell them “no.” Say “no” once, not several times, with no explanation. Don’t let them badger you into submission until you say “yes” and do what they want. Shut them down and stay strong because until they understand that you’re no longer allowing yourself to be controlled by them, they’ll keep trying until they’ve beaten you back into submission again and again and again.

And lastly, walk away from them; let them go; avoid contact with them if you can and always remember what they had done to you. It’s a lesson to learn but one that you’ll have more insight into if it should ever happen to you again.

I wish I could tell you how and why someone feels they have the right to control another human being, or why we become submissive to another. It’s different for all of us, but once you can honestly see what you allowed to happen to you, you’ll become to understand “why.”

Was the controller someone you looked up to or idolized? Was it someone you were in love with and didn’t want to disappoint? Were they more important to you than the people who truly love you? Maybe you have an underlying need for the controller to love and accept you; maybe you want their attention and time; maybe you want to feel as important to them as they are to you. Or maybe you want them to accept you, yet you need to understand that YOU have lost control on giving them more time, attention and power than they deserve.

But what you want from them will never happen. They will never give you what you want as long as you’re giving them what they want. And sadly, that’s the truth, because while you’re becoming submissive to the controller, you’re losing sight of the people in your life who love and respect you, two things the controller will never give you. The moment you allow someone to control you is the moment their respect for you and your own self-respect, fly out the window. Respect no longer exists with control.

The controller plays on our weakness, and because of their own insecurities, low self-esteem and lack of control in their own life, they find their strength in controlling you.  They don’t really care about you; they care about their control over you. They don’t want you to be in a healthy relationship because they’re not in one of their own. They don’t care if their control affects your relationships or your life; they only care about what they gain from it, because once they see you with the right people and loving your life, they will control you even more to make sure you hurt the people you shouldn’t.

Please be aware of your surroundings and the people you allow into them. Control isn’t love and love isn’t control. And if you’re wondering how you know if you’re being submissive to a controlling person, ask yourself this one important question: “Why can’t I say no to them, and when I do say it, why do I let them beat me into submission until I say “yes” and do what they want?”

Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t respect you enough to allow you to be yourself; stop giving in to someone who doesn’t give you anything back in return; stop defending the controller and making excuses for their behavior because when push comes to shove, they’ll have their own back before they have yours.

Take a look at the place in your life that this “controlling person” has and then take a look at the people in your life that don’t control you. How much of your life do you waste on trying to please them rather than them pleasing you? How much of your precious time is given to them rather than given to the people who love you?

And one more thing: how does your being submissive to this person hurt the people that love you? How often has their control of your time prevented you from spending time with the people you love? And honestly, they don’t care what their control does to you at all, just what their control over you does for them.

Does that make your choice to take back your control from someone else easier now?

Don’t hurt the ones you love and more importantly, don’t hurt yourself because of someone who wants you to and who doesn’t care if you do.

“No” is a full sentence.

Say it.

Mean it.

Be done with it…and them.

And never allow yourself to ever be “beaten into submission” again.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

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“Always Trust Your Gut”

Just a little piece of advice for you all: trust your gut, trust your intuition and trust yourself. There seems to be so much dark energy floating around in the world lately that you have to be careful of who and what you’re surrounding yourself with, especially where the internet and social media are concerned.

If something feels wrong or feels “off,” know that it is.

If you know someone in your life or see a picture of someone and your intuition screams that there’s something dark or negative about them, know that there is.

Protect the beautiful being that you are and surround yourself with love and light. Stay away from the dark and negative energy that surrounds certain people, whether it’s in your life or through the internet.

Stay positive, stay grounded, and stay focused on your intuition and gut feelings…trust them. And please, when you get the feeling that something “isn’t right,” and you don’t understand why, trust that your gut knows why, even if you don’t know the reason yet.

I wish you all love,light, and protection from the negative and dark people that try to hurt you and the ones you love.

Be safe, be mindful, and “pay attention.”

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

“Down For The Count”

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It’s that time of year again: flu and cold season! Not one of my favorites, yet one I feel that can happen to us for a reason. And that reason is usually that we lost sight of taking care of ourselves.

And that’s when the Universe steps in and “whacks you with a two by four!”

I consider myself “whacked.” It started with aches and pains, then progressed into a burning in the back of my throat. By the time I went to sleep was nose was completely stuffed up and I became the ultimate “mouth breather” throughout the night. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep too well that night. And it’s safe to say without a doubt, “I’m sick.”

I know it could be worse; social media is awash with posts of the flu and colds and the duration of anywhere from a week to two or three. I can safely add my own experience to these posts as well. People are posting advice of cures and things to do to get through, and I can say that I’ve been trying them all.

For two days I’ve been drinking warm water with lemon, which helps to soothe the throat, and tons of green tea with honey and lemon to get rid of the cold. Chicken soup with tons of garlic has become a staple here. A jar of Vicks, an old home remedy from my grandmother, hot-toddysits on my nightstand, as well as a now half-full box of tissues. I’ve tried over-the-counter medicine at night, which seemed to help, but what helped more was a nice hot toddy: 8 oz. of herbal tea with 2 oz. of whiskey or rum, as well as a lemon slice for good measure. Sweeten with honey. I have to say, within minutes after drinking that I found myself drifting into an amazing, restful sleep, one that was much better than from the over-the-counter nighttime medicine.

I’ve been down for three days now, and it seems that the rest of my household felt the need to join me. We’re all sick with this nasty little cold. I always believe that “sharing is caring” and I guess they didn’t want me to feel left out!

I’ll be honest, I knew it was just a matter of time before I got sick with something. I lost sight of myself and wasn’t taking as good of care of myself as I was at taking care of everyone else. I was running around too much in rainy, cold weather; I wasn’t eating as well as I should; and I definitely wasn’t sleeping well at all. All those things mixed in with a few more are a recipe for the Universe stopping you in your tracks and making you pay attention to YOURSELF!

I knew that’s what happened, so I turned off my phone, put on my pajamas, and went to bed. I decided that as much as I wanted to be there for other’s that right now I needed to be there for me. I needed to sleep, rest, and place my efforts on getting better. Sure, the housework is piling up, but I know that my health, my body and soul, are much more important right now.

And as much as I don’t like being sick, I have to be grateful for the time that I am because it has forced me into resting and taking care of myself, something I wasn’t doing much of until I was forced to.

“Thank you, Universe, for this gift of making me remember that I’m important, too, and that if I’m not doing things for my Highest Good, I’ll be no good to anyone else. I’ve learned my lesson…you can take this cold and move along now!”

Wishing you love, light, and good health,

~Anne Dennish~

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“What’s Your Agenda?”

Good morning! What a weekend it was! My mind is still trying to process a dream coming true at Barnes and Noble this past Saturday… yet, there’s no rest for the weary and it’s time to keep moving forward. With that said… I have a question for all of you:

Do you have an agenda in life?

I’ve had this discussion with several people this week, so I’m assuming that the Universe is asking me to write about it! So, here goes:

Throughout the years I’ve heard men say that women all have an “agenda,” and I believe women feel the same about men. In fact, someone made that statement to me years ago, and as he lumped me in with all women in the world, I thought about it. Within seconds I answered him: “Yes, you’re right. All women do have an agenda, and mine is to be happy.” That stopped him right in his tracks, yet it didn’t stop me.

I’m curious about people and their stories, and about their “agenda” in life. I’ve come to realize that a positive agenda which is based solely on your purpose in life and your Highest Good is the agenda to have; this agenda involves you and you alone. Other’s will help it along, but the agenda you have is up to you.

Then there is the other type of agenda: the one that is self-serving and involves a manipulative or controlling behavior that involves someone else. I find that the people with this type of agenda are not living the life they want; they’re not as happy as they’d like to be, and they tend to want what others have. They tend to be martyrs; people that know they have a choice to change their life and their thinking, yet are too fearful to do so. They tend to control other’s lives because they can’t control their own.

And they’re not all bad people; they’re sad people who sometimes get so lost in their own tearsdespair that they have an agenda with those that are NOT lost, those that ARE happy, and those that ARE in control. Most times they don’t even realize what they’re doing, and that’s where we need to pay attention to our Highest Good to know what they’re doing and not allow it. It’s never selfish to do what’s best for you!

We can’t fix another human being; we can only fix ourselves. We can love them and stand by them, yet if they are unable to change, it’s okay to wish them love and light and walk away. Keep them in your thoughts, remember them in your prayers, but if their “agenda” is hurting you, then it’s time to love yourself more… and that is an “agenda” worth having: “to be happy.”

One more time: what is your agenda in life?

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

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“Feeling Stuck?”

In the last few days, I have had some close friends of mine telling me that they’re feeling “stuck.” I understand the feeling, because I’ve been feeling it a bit, too. One person feels that they aren’t moving up fast enough in their job; another tells me they feel like their life is “as good as it gets.” As for me, I’m feeling as if life with “Waking Up” got too quiet after a fast and furious launch. Yet, there’s reasons we feel that way, and it isn’t the job, or the life, or the book… it’s “us.”

It’s that balance thing again and my most important belief: “that everything happens WHEN it’s supposed to and HOW it’s supposed to.” So, why does that make it about “us?” Because we’ve forgotten some important messages: Find your balance and learn the patience to TRUST and have FAITH that everything is coming together for us, and it absolutely will… when the time is right.

We feel stuck because we’re not doing, or having, or getting what we want at that moment. Yet, we have the ability to change that around, and it’s not always easy. If you can accept that maybe, just maybe, the Universe and your Higher Power have a different plan; that maybe this isn’t the time for a change in the job, or getting something you want. If you can change your perspective and thinking on feeling “stuck” to one of: I have faith in myself, and believe that all I want and deserve will come to me at the exact time it’s supposed to.

Sounds simple, but it takes some effort. And the effort is worth it.

None of us are truly stuck; we possess the greatest gift life has given us: “choice.” We have a choice to what we feel and how we handle things. I understand that “stuck” feeling, but I don’t stay in it long. The longer you feel that way, the more that feeling will “stick” to you. Don’t do it…please don’t do it.

So today I ask you to check your “balance,” and listen to your intuition. Why are you really feeling this way? It’s usually more than some outside force that makes you feel that we. Remember, you are in control of your feelings… no one else is. If you believe that someone made you feel sad or upset, the truth is that you let them.

Choose love, choose faith, choose patience, and watch how different your day will be. You’re not stuck, not ever…you’re simply waiting for the next adventure!

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

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