respect

“The Lesson In The Pain”

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I find a lesson in everything…even in pain, and the last 11 days have been no exception. I’ve been battling severe sciatica. Some days the pain has been excruciating, other days it’s been manageable, yet throughout the last 11 days of being able to do nothing but rest and take it easy, I’ve found myself changing.

Life and all its’ little problems were still knocking at my door, begging to come in with all their stress and drama, but guess what? I didn’t answer the door. I left all that “negative stuff” on the front porch, knowing that it would soon go away if I ignored it…and it did.

Living with pain is a horrible thing, yet it taught me that nothing else mattered except my healing. The pain reminded me that I’m just as important as anyone else, and that this time was mine to rest and get well. And it taught me to let go of things quicker and easier…and be done with them.

I guess you could say this amount of pain for this long of a time changed my behavior and perspective on situations that bring me stress or are filled with drama. I see them differently and learned to quickly dismiss them, not let them bother me, and focus on what’s important: my family, my loved ones, my tribe and ME!

I’m on the mend and it’s been a long, painful 11 days, yet it wasn’t in vain and was for a reason: to learn another life lesson. And while my leg still hurts, I can tell you that my heart doesn’t. I can’t worry about what I can’t change in others, I can only change how I react to them.

And sometimes “no reaction” is the best “reaction” to someone trying to bring their stress and drama into your life.

Try it.

It’s a good thing!

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

 

“Control and Submission”

/ Anne Dennish / 1 Comment

*On a personal note: I’m not an expert on this subject, but I’ve been in this situation before and know the signs of it happening, which is why I’m writing about it now. Every so often I see someone I care about being controlled by the wrong person and I watch as they become submissive to them. I can only share my personal experience with them to try and help them see the unhealthy situation they’ve allowed themselves to be in, yet as always, it’s a life lesson for them. I can’t fix them, save them, or change their situation…only they can do that. It’s a lesson they need to learn, just as I had many years ago, and all I can do is offer my support and share my experience with them. ~Anne Dennish~

“Submission” is a state in which people can no longer do what they want to do because they have been brought under the control of someone else.

Has this happened to you? Have you lost control of your life because someone else is controlling you?

And why did you allow it to happen?

Maybe you have an underlying need for the controller to love and accept you; maybe you want their attention and time; maybe you idolize them and want to feel as important to them as they are to you.

But it will never happen. They will never give you what you want as long as you’re giving them what they want.

Most times we never see it coming. We wake up one morning and realize that our life is not our own; we find ourselves doing things we don’t’ want to do; we see that our relationships are suffering; we’ve allowed someone to control us without realizing they were doing that; we say “no” to them but we’re beaten into “submission” until we say “yes.”

And that cycle continues until the controller get’s what they want.

And they will always get what they want until you stop allowing them to; until you say “no” and mean it; until you set up boundaries with them which you don’t allow to be crossed.

And until you open your eyes and realize that someone you trusted has been controlling submission 3you.

Why does someone to this?

It’s simple: people who can’t control their own lives will control someone else’s. It’s not because they love you or care for you; it’s not because you think they’re you’re friend; it’s because it builds up their own insecurities and low self-esteem to know that they have the power and control over someone else.

And before long, the people who truly do love and care for you will see what you can’t: that you’re being submissive to a certain someone; that you’re submission affects your relationships with the right people; that you allow someone to control you when the right people wouldn’t do that to you.

There will come a point where the right people will bring it to your attention. They love you and want you to see what they see: that you’ve put all your time and attention into the wrong person rather than the right ones, which are them. They are the ones who will ask you why you allow it; why the controlling person means more to you than the ones who don’t control you; why you allow the controlling person to affect you and your healthy relationships with your significant other, family and true friends. The “right people” will begin to feel unimportant to you because they see what lengths you’re willing to go to for the controller instead of them.

It happens to all of us at one point or more in our lives; it certainly has happened to me, which is why I’m able to see it happening to the people I surround myself with, and it breaks my heart to see the ones I love being controlled by someone and they can’t. I can clearly see the signs of submission and know the exact type of person who will control someone else. It’s never an easy thing to break free from someone like that, but it can be done; you need to accept what they’re doing and begin to do what needs to be done to take back your power.

The first step is realizing it’s happening to you, and if you don’t, accept someone who loves you telling you what they see. Believe the people who love and respect you, the ones who don’t control you, because they have your best interest at heart.

Secondly, break the cycle and that begins with the next time you tell them “no.” Say “no” once, not several times, with no explanation. Don’t let them badger you into submission until you say “yes” and do what they want. Shut them down and stay strong because until they understand that you’re no longer allowing yourself to be controlled by them, they’ll keep trying until they’ve beaten you back into submission again and again and again.

And lastly, walk away from them; let them go; avoid contact with them if you can and always remember what they had done to you. It’s a lesson to learn but one that you’ll have more insight into if it should ever happen to you again.

I wish I could tell you how and why someone feels they have the right to control another human being, or why we become submissive to another. It’s different for all of us, but once you can honestly see what you allowed to happen to you, you’ll become to understand “why.”

Was the controller someone you looked up to or idolized? Was it someone you were in love with and didn’t want to disappoint? Were they more important to you than the people who truly love you? Maybe you have an underlying need for the controller to love and accept you; maybe you want their attention and time; maybe you want to feel as important to them as they are to you. Or maybe you want them to accept you, yet you need to understand that YOU have lost control on giving them more time, attention and power than they deserve.

But what you want from them will never happen. They will never give you what you want as long as you’re giving them what they want. And sadly, that’s the truth, because while you’re becoming submissive to the controller, you’re losing sight of the people in your life who love and respect you, two things the controller will never give you. The moment you allow someone to control you is the moment their respect for you and your own self-respect, fly out the window. Respect no longer exists with control.

The controller plays on our weakness, and because of their own insecurities, low self-esteem and lack of control in their own life, they find their strength in controlling you.  They don’t really care about you; they care about their control over you. They don’t want you to be in a healthy relationship because they’re not in one of their own. They don’t care if their control affects your relationships or your life; they only care about what they gain from it, because once they see you with the right people and loving your life, they will control you even more to make sure you hurt the people you shouldn’t.

Please be aware of your surroundings and the people you allow into them. Control isn’t love and love isn’t control. And if you’re wondering how you know if you’re being submissive to a controlling person, ask yourself this one important question: “Why can’t I say no to them, and when I do say it, why do I let them beat me into submission until I say “yes” and do what they want?”

Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t respect you enough to allow you to be yourself; stop giving in to someone who doesn’t give you anything back in return; stop defending the controller and making excuses for their behavior because when push comes to shove, they’ll have their own back before they have yours.

Take a look at the place in your life that this “controlling person” has and then take a look at the people in your life that don’t control you. How much of your life do you waste on trying to please them rather than them pleasing you? How much of your precious time is given to them rather than given to the people who love you?

And one more thing: how does your being submissive to this person hurt the people that love you? How often has their control of your time prevented you from spending time with the people you love? And honestly, they don’t care what their control does to you at all, just what their control over you does for them.

Does that make your choice to take back your control from someone else easier now?

Don’t hurt the ones you love and more importantly, don’t hurt yourself because of someone who wants you to and who doesn’t care if you do.

“No” is a full sentence.

Say it.

Mean it.

Be done with it…and them.

And never allow yourself to ever be “beaten into submission” again.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

submission

“Embrace Good & Let Go Of Bad”

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embrace all that is good for you

Only you know what’s good for you and what isn’t, so embrace everything that is good for you and let go of everything that isn’t.

Say “yes” to all that serves your Highest Good and just say “no” to all that doesn’t.

It’s a good thing…

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

“NO” Is A Full Sentence

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no 1

“No” is a full sentence.

And that means that there does not need to be an explanation as to WHY you said “no” in the first place.

I’ve always had trouble telling someone “no,” as I’m sure you have as well, whether it’s our children, friends, significant other, or even someone we work with, yet I know there are times I need to say it, and I say it because it doesn’t serve my Highest Good. I could be tired or not feeling well; I could have too much on my plate at that moment or simply need that down time to just “be.”

And at those moments I’ve always felt compelled to give a full explanation as to WHY I said no, yet over the years I’ve learned that I don’t need to do that. The person on the receiving end of my “no” should respect me enough to accept it. End of story.

But not everyone will accept it.

They are the ones that will keep at you until you give them what they want: a “yes.” It’s their way of controlling you because of their own insecurities over controlling themselves. It’s their way of feeding their own ego by knowing they were able to get what they wanted from you; and it’s their way of making you feel “out of control.”

Remember this: “what you allow will continue.”

It’s okay to think of yourself first and do what’s best for YOU, and if that means saying “no” when you need to, then it’s a good thing. And those moments that you say “yes” when you mean “no” can affect those around you, because when you give in to someone you feel frustrated with yourself, and sometimes even defeated that they won.

Don’t let anyone take your power from you or your free will to simply say “no.”

The people who love you will accept a “no,” but more importantly, the people who RESPECT you will.

And for those that don’t?

Let them go.

You control your life; you make your own boundaries with people; and you have the choice to “enable their behavior or disable their control.”

The choice is always yours.

Think about it.

And please remember this: “NO” is a full sentence.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

“Words – If You Say Them, Mean Them”

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I’m the ultimate “word girl.” Words are important to me, especially the words someone I love speaks to me, whether it’s a friend, family member or significant other. Yet throughout my life I’ve come to believe that words only mean something if the person saying them has the actions to back them up. Actions do speak louder than words and it’s the actions that make the words true…or not.

If you make a committment, keep it.

If you make a promise, don’t break it.

If you say “I love you” to someone be sure they can feel it every single day.

If you say your care about someone’s feelings, don’t hurt them.

If you say you’ll be there, be there.

If you say that you’re a friend, be one.

If you tell someone that they’re important to you, make them a priority.

And most importantly, if you’re going to say any words at all, mean them.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

“Free To Be Me”

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unconditional love 1

I’ve learned many lessons throughout my journey in life, and one of the most important things I’ve learned is this: when I surround myself with the right people I can be “me.”

I can be my true self. I don’t need to hide who I am; I don’t have to act a certain way to be around someone; and I don’t need to be someone I’m not.

I don’t have to worry about them trying to change me because they accept me for who I am; I don’t have to worry about them stabbing me in the back because I trust them; and I don’t have to worry about not speaking my truth because they prefer my honesty over a lie.

I’ve spent years of my life being who everyone expected me to be and hiding who I truly was deep down inside. I was ashamed to be called a “dreamer.” I lived my life believing that “this was as good as it gets” and never thought I would have any better.

I’ve been criticized for being “too sensitive” and “emotional,” yet I’m an empath and that’s what makes me sensitive to the feelings of others and makes me feel emotions, both good and bad, deeper than most. It’s what allows me the freedom to write topics to help someone else. It’s what makes me love someone with all that I am.

Yet many years ago, after divorce and having had so many wonderful spiritual teachers, I changed…just like that.

I decided to live a life in which I was “free to be me,” and if you didn’t like that, you didn’t need to be inside my world or part of it.

I am proud to be called a “dreamer,” especially since I’ve met many dreamers along the way who have caught their dreams.

I no longer try to be perfect or fit the mold of how anyone wants me to be.

I am who I am.

There are those who like me for that, and those that don’t…and that’s okay.

I’m not perfect, but I’m perfect for me.

I have flaws but if you love me you’ll see them as flavorful.

The point is this: if you truly love someone you don’t try to change them. You allow them the freedom to be who they are, because truth be told, that’s the person you fell in love with in the first place.

I would never try and change anyone I love, but I will tell you that I’ve seen them change because of that unconditional love that I gave them.

And if they’ve given me unconditional love they’ll see that I changed as well, not because they wanted me to but because I wanted to.

When we give the people in our life unconditional love, respect, kindness and compassion, we allow them the freedom to be who they are without worry of our judgement or criticism. We allow them the peace in knowing that they are loved for “who” they are, not for “who” we want them to be me.

If you’re going to love someone, whether it’s a significant other, friends, children or family, please remember to love them for who they are and let them have their freedom to be who they are. Your love is what allows them to be all that they can and that is when you see the magic and miracle of true, unconditional love.

“Free to be me…”

It’s an incredibly good thing.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

unconditional love 2

 

 

“What Happened To Humanity?”

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When did we stop thinking about the needs of other’s and only thinking of our own? When did we stop helping each other unless we had something to gain from it? When did we stop caring about each other? When did we start putting our own needs above someone who needs our help? When did we start being selfish instead of selfless?

It started when we stopped needing one another and only wanting one another when it was convenient, when it served us, when we had something to gain from it.

And that is the saddest thing in the world.

I can remember a time in my life when I had nothing and five children to take care of. It was the kindness of my closest friends that helped me out during that time and expected nothing in return. And when I had barely anything I still helped a family who needed my help. I sent food to their home during a difficult time and when those around me asked me: Why would you do that when you are in a bad way yourself? My answer was simple: because they were human beings who also needed the kindess of someone to help them, just like my friends had helped me. You see, that’s where the world has changed: we only give when it suits us; we only help when it makes us look good; we only need someone when we want something from us. The world stopped caring when they realized people took advantage of their kindness.

And again, that is the saddest thing in the world.

The world is in turmoil at the moment; there are hurricanes destroying lives, families and homes, and yet most people aren’t able to see the big picture: that the world needs us to stick together and help one another, and not because we “need” to but because we “want” to help another life feel better, get better and move on better.

If I do nothing else in this world except use my writing to help people understand and to try and make a difference in the world, then that is my success. My success comes from loving a stranger in need or a friend that needs my help, sharing what I have with them, helping them through a difficult time, listening to them and being there for them. My greatest success is when someone tells me that I made a difference in their life.

I sit here today with such a sadness and worry in my heart over friends on the islands that were impacted by Hurricane Irma, by someone I love that is in the hospital with no update on how they are from someone I know who is there and for a friend displaced by the hurricane that no one would help, so they helped themselves. For the love of God, what happened to kindness and respect? What happened to doing the right thing? What happened to thinking of other people and what they’re going through instead of focusing on only what we’re going through?

It’s time…it is absolutely time for everyone to get out of their own way and leave their selfish egos to the wayside. It’s time to see the big picture of what some are about to lose during these storms, to see what those did lose, to see what is happening to those around us. Does someone need a shoulder to lean on? Does someone need a listening ear? Does someone need a small, random act of kindness?

I know that I will do anything I can for anyone that needs me, whether it’s something big or something small. My mission in life is to make a difference in someone’s life and hopefully those random acts of kindness may actually make a difference in the world.

I know what I’m doing…what are YOU doing to make a positive difference in someone’s life, to help someone in need or to simply do what you can to make this world a better place?

There’s no better feeling in the world than to know you did something for someone else without expecting something in return.

The gift of helping someone else is how good you’ll feel when you do…and because you “wanted” to do it, not because you “needed” to do it for yourself.

Wishing you love, light, and peace,

~Anne Dennish~

“Stop Looking Down”

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How many precious and important moments do you have to miss because you’re looking down at your phone to see the latest social media posts or text messages? Seriously, the world is becoming obsessed with life on the internet rather than the life in front of their eyes.

Everywhere you go you see people looking down at their phone no matter where they are: crossing the road, out on a date or family dinner, sitting on the couch and worst yet, while they’re driving.

I don’t want to miss out on one moment of the life I see in front of me, of the people I love around me, or the touch of my loved ones. I don’t want them to ever feel less important than what’s on my phone. I want them to know that they’re more important than any social media post or text message.

While our phones are a connection we have grown to need for communication with others, it should never become more important the people in your life. Everything in moderation, yet there are those who live their life on their phone, another point of sadness for me.

Stop “looking down” and open your eyes and  “look up, look around, and look at what’s in front of you.” You’ll be amazed at what you’ve been missing.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

“I Can See Clearly Now”

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Every so often I take a look at all the people in my life; the ones I trust and that I’m closest to. I take a good look and ask myself if I’m my true self with them or the self they need me to be. I ask myself if they bring out the best in me or I simply bring out the best in them. And I ask myself, am I a matter of convenience to them when they need my attention and love or are they there for me as well?

Those questions have been in my mind lately and I believe sometimes we have to look at the big picture because we find at that moment that we’re not living the life we need for our Highest Good. We’re in control of our happiness and in order to be all that we want to be and have the life we want we also have to see who we allow in it, because they have an impact on it.

I have a close knit group of people in my life and I’m always cautious when someone I don’t know well comes into it, whether it’s through a social circle or worse yet, through social media. I don’t take every friend request that comes my way, especially when I don’t know them or I know could cause a problem with my relationship.

So yesterday my eyes were suddenly open and seeing things differently, and I wondered why. Yet I knew why: the Universe wanted me to see and so that I could think about it and decide what I would do with what I saw and felt.

Communication between two people is key; trust is earned and maintained; and love is felt by actions, not simply words.

So as I rode in silence I heard the following questions:

  • Am I as much of a priority to someone as they are to me?
  • Do I care for someone more than they care for me?
  • Does my life revolve around all the people in it rather than it being on me?
  • Do they focus on me as much as I focus on them?
  • Do I support them more than they support me?
  • Does every conversation revolve around “them” and end when it begins to revolve around “me?”
  • Do they accept my feelings about something even though they don’t understand why I feel that way?
  • If they do something that hurts me do they do it again or do they love and respect me enough not to do it again, even if it doesn’t make sense to them.
  • Are they starting to find faults in me rather than positive things?
  • Do they put as much effort into me as they do to social media?

So many things to think about and I knew in my heart that I had the answers. And let me say that these questions pertain to all of your relationships, whether it’s a friendship, your family, or a relationship between two people.

And I ask to ask myself: Do they look different in my eyes now?

Now what do I do? What do you do if you find yourself in this position?

You take a leap of faith in who you are; you need to believe that you deserve to be treated as you treat them; and you need to communicate your feelings to them with love, kindness and respect.

And if you do these things and the response is not what you had hoped, then you’ll know the answers to your questions were right.

And that you need to turn the page in your book of life and move onto the next chapter…

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

 

 

“Write Your Life”

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“Life is always changing, it’s time to turn the page; so the story continues and it’s mine to create. It’s all an adventure, my life is a song; I know where I’ve been, not where I’m going but I’m dancing along.”  ~Anne Dennish~

My life has been a series of ups and downs, adventures and restlessness, good times and bad, yet through it all I’ve accepted that it was meant to be that way. All those moments happened to teach me a lesson. They happened because I wasn’t living my life as I should and there’s times that the Universe steps in and whacks us with a two by four to “wake us up.” It stops us dead in our tracks to feel the pain and understand why it hurts. After all, we feel what we allow.

And when pain and heartache happen it’s because we allowed the behaviors that led up to that moment happen. We allowed someone to cross our boundaries and treat us in a way we shouldn’t be treated.

We lost sight of ourselves and in the process of caring for everyone else we forgot to care for ourself. We forgot to love ourself first, to respect ourself, to take care of ourself, and when other’s see that we’ve forgotten that, they cross our boundaries.

We have to draw a line in the sand that shouldn’t be crossed, yet maybe we should be drawing a line in the cement.

Broken hearts and pain don’t happen overnight. Sure, we feel blindsided when it happens yet when it does you begin to look at the behaviors that led up to it and suddenly you’re not so surprised or shocked that someone hurt you. You let them disrespect you long before they hurt you; you let them love you less than you loved yourself because their ego was larger than their heart; and you began to blame yourself and made excuses for them.

Losing sight of yourself and seeing only them strengthens their ego and robs you of your self-esteem.

But there’s hope in the heartache and purpose in the pain.

The hope is that the broken heart will mend stronger and the purpose in the pain is to teach you a lesson about yourself. It’s to bring the focus back onto “you.”

Life is always changing and the change is up to you. Your life is your story and you are the author. You create what you want.

Write your story well and if you need to make some edits along the way be sure they’re for your Highest Good.

It’s your story…

It’s your life…

Make it spectacular!

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~