children

“PTSD and Me”

/ Anne Dennish / Leave a comment

My heart and soul hurt. It’s a pain that I have no control over because it’s caused by people I love the most: my family.

I understand that I can’t control the behavior of others, but how do you stop them from constantly doing things that they know hurt you? Why do they isolate you from the people you love? Why don’t they care what they’re doing to you?

I was diagnosed with PTSD years ago after a difficult marriage and divorce. I spent years doing what needed to be done to heal myself. It worked, or so I thought. That’s the thing about PTSD; it can come back in an instant and it did.

I used to believe that there is nothing more important than family, but I don’t anymore. It has been close family members that have caused most of the trauma in my life.

Most of my family never really accepted me for who I am. They can’t understand how I can be faced with hard things in life and still remain positive. Their lack of understanding of who I am may be the reason for their behavior towards me.

They prey on my empathetic personality and think nothing of doing what they can to hurt me, and I don’t understand why. I’m no threat to them or anyone else. I’m just this girl who wants to share her experiences with the world in the hopes that someone can relate and know that it will be okay. I’m just this girl that wants to try to change the lives of others and the world for the better. I’m just this girl that tries to teach people that kindness matters and that we are all important.

I have very little contact with these people, yet they know how to get their point across to cause pain.

I’ve always been open about my life and I felt that it was important to do so now. Yes, my PTSD is back and I’m doing what I have to do to heal. I’ve tried to tell one of those family members about how much their behavior hurt me only to be told that I deserved to be treated that way.

No one deserves to be treated badly. No one deserves to be hurt intentionally, and no one deserves to feel worthless because others think that they are. Isn’t there enough pain and heartache going on in the world now? Why be a person who intentionally causes that to others?

I keep telling myself that their behavior towards me is their own insecurities about themselves and that they have to hurt me in order for them to feel good about themselves. They are the narcissists and abusers of the world and sadly, they are part of mine.

I’ve begun my journey of healing. I have to forgive them so that the anger doesn’t continue but I do NOT have to forget what they’ve done to me, and I never will. Unfortunately, family is connected in one way or another so cutting them out of my life is one thing, yet the connection is still there.

This is not the way that I intended to end 2024 yet I have learned so much with all that’s happened

that it’s time to begin 2025 without them.

I’m grateful for the life lessons, painful or not, that have placed me on this journey of healing. I intend to embrace each and every step along the way.

And for any of you going through something similar, I’m here for you. Together we can help each other to heal and hopefully, we can heal the world!

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

“Through The Eyes of a Child”

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If there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout my life experiences is that more often than not, my children were right. They were right when I thought I was right. They were right when I thought they were wrong. They, as my children, could see things that I couldn’t, at least until time showed me just what it was that they could see.

“Through the eyes of a child…”

My children are all grown now yet I can look back and remember times that they had a strong opinion about a situation that I was in or about something I was doing. At the time I thought that they were just children, they couldn’t possibly know what I was going through.

But the truth is, as children they didn’t have to know.

As children they could see through their eyes of innocence.

As children they could feel that something was wrong for their mother.

As children they had a sixth sense, one that as I’ve grown older I wish I’d paid more attention to or listened to.

We often dismiss the opinions of our children simply because they are our children. I’ve learned through time and experience that that isn’t always true.

Sometimes our children see what we, as adults, can’t.

There are days that I wish I had listened to their opinion and feelings, yet if I do that I’d end up living a life of regret but instead just take my accountability that I was wrong.

There were so many times that I should have listened to them.

And for what it’s worth, I’m listening now.

And for those times I hope that they can forgive me.

I try not to regret those times but instead consider them a learning experience, a life lesson, if you will.

There are no perfect mothers or fathers but there are mothers and fathers that try their best.

And that’s what I’ve tried to do.

Sometimes my best wasn’t good enough yet it’s all in the past. As long as I’ve learned from it, that’s the best I can do.

I wish, as adults, we could see life “through the eyes of a child.”

But there’s always hope that we can still learn how.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

“8 Year Breast Cancer Survivor”

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I’m grateful for every day that I wake up yet I’m especially grateful for this day. Today I woke up as an 8 year breast cancer survivor and I have to say, it feels wonderful! I am filled with gratitude for my life and the people in it who have supported me throughout my journey and who still support me throughout my adventures.

The kids aren’t around to celebrate this milestone with me but my Noah did something special for me all the way from Hawaii. They ordered the most delicious, homemade bagels from their friend, Maggie, the “Bagel Bandita,” who lives here at the Jersey Shore.

What a beautiful surprise when the “Bagel Bandita” showed up at my work with a dozen bagels!

Thank you, Noah, for being “you” and remembering me on this very important day.

And just like that, I’m an 8 year breast cancer survivor!

Here’s to the beginning of the countdown to next year!

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

“Can You Taste The Love?”

/ Anne Dennish / 4 Comments

I remember when my oldest was about two years old and eating some of my home baked cookies. I asked him, “ Can you taste all the love I put in there?”

To which he replied, “I can! You put a lot of love in there.”

And so began the phrase of “I can taste the love” from all five of my children with every meal I made or cookies and cakes that I baked. 

There were times when I made their favorite food that they would say, “You put extra love in this! I can taste it!”

I was reminded of this precious tradition that began over 30 years ago when I spoke with my Noah last night. They asked me if I still had my old Better Homes and Garden Cookbook (which I do!) and could I send them a screenshot of the banana bread recipe. I told them that I would and I did.

Such a simple thing yet one that is so precious.

I can still see those sweet little faces eating a chocolate chip cookie, the chocolate all over their mouths saying “I can taste the love!”

And you know what? I always did put the love in whatever I made for them to eat, no matter their age. It meant so much to me to see how happy that made them and I hope someday they’ll understand that it made me even happier.

Once in a while there are those rare moments as adults that they’ll still say that they “can taste the love.”

I texted Noah the banana bread recipe last night and reminded him to put the “love” in it.

And they said that they remembered that.

It was a “be still my heart” moment and I’m grateful for that.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

“Stay Home Alone Together”

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The greatest gift we can give each other right now is to stay home and live by the rules of social distancing. It’s almost ironic that something like “staying at home” can save our lives and the lives of others, yet it’s our reality right now.

I don’t want it to be a reality forever and I’m sure you don’t either. We’re living a “new normal” and now, more than ever, we need to support one another and flatten this curve TOGETHER!

I’m staying home for my family and yours.

Are you staying home for mine?

It’s time to make a difference in this world and we can make that difference TOGETHER!

Please stay home for the world and everyone in it.

I am and I hope you are, too.

It’s a good thing.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

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“Sometimes Life Has A Different Plan”

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I heard this quote the other day and have been in love with it ever since…because it’s so true. We keep holding on to the life we planned, even if it doesn’t work out the way we wanted it to. We hold onto wanting what or who we can’t have, hold onto the life we want for our children that had other plans, and even hold on to the career we wanted so badly that we couldn’t accept wasn’t meant to be.

We hold onto the dream of what we wanted, when in fact, there is most often, a better and bigger dream just waiting for us…and this is why I love this quote.

I thought I would be married to the same person forever…life had other plans.

I thought that all of my children would live close by…they had other plans.

I thought I would be living a much different life than I am now…life is teaching me patience. 

So, you see, we all need to let go of the life that we planned that isn’t happening the way we had thought or wanted and open our hearts and mind to the life that is waiting for us.

It’s just waiting for you…

It’s just waiting for me…

Let’s sit back, have faith and let it happen.

I know I am.

I hope you do, too.

It’s a good thing.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

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Photo by Anne Dennish @2020

 

 

Choose “Love!”

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Sometimes I have a day where I look out into the world and am saddened by what I see and hear. I know there’s so much good out there in this big world of ours, yet there are days that it seems to be overshadowed by the negative stuff. Today, as I count my blessings and am grateful for them all, I’m feeling a hurt in my heart at some of the things I’m seeing and of how it’s all making me feel.

I’m saddened by fathers or mothers that don’t pay their child support to help these babies that they brought into this world. Our children deserve the best that we can give them.

I’m saddened by a world divided by politics.

I’m saddened by children who don’t talk to their parents, who forget that their parents did the best that they could do for them, yet choose to focus only on what didn’t work out their way.

I’m saddened by people that abuse the ones they say that they love, whether it’s their children, friends, parents or significant others. Abuse of any kind breaks a heart and has a profound effect on the life of the one abused.

I’m saddened by a world that has forgotten the simplest of things: kindness, compassion, love and understanding.

I’m saddened by a world that is selfish and has forgotten the beauty of helping someone in need.

So many sad things surround us and I’ll admit that today is a day I’m feeling the effects of all those negative things, yet…

Love is simple.

Love is just love. It’s unconditional, non-judgemental and forgiving.

Love can change the life of another.

Love can change your perspective.

Love, my friends, can change the world.

Choose love.

And hopefully, one day, if we all choose love there will be no more sadness in the world.

And wouldn’t that be wonderful?

Think about it.

It’s a good thing. 

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

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“Insight Into Cruel People”

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There are some cruel people in this world. They are the ones that judge you, point the finger at you, tell you what’s wrong with you and are verbally abusive. It doesn’t matter if it’s someone you know or a stranger: it’s wrong.

Yet all too often it happens without warning and without reason, although there is a reason people are cruel: it’s them projecting their own fears and insecurities onto you. And it’s wrong, it’s hurtful, and it’s abusive.

My son was the target of a stranger in a convenience store yelling obscenities at him and saying some downright disgusting comments to him. As a mother, it infuriated me and I wish I had been there when it happened. On the other hand, had it not been my child I still would have been infuriated because no one has the right to speak to another human being that way.

I’ve been on the other end of verbal abuse more times than I can count, yet there’s one thing I’ve learned and I want to share with you: those people are projecting their fears and insecurities onto me.

They see in someone else what they can’t see in themselves and want desperately to see or be.

They see strength in someone else that they wish they had, but they don’t because they don’t know how to be strong.

They see an open minded person living a happy life, being who they are, and wish they could be that person, but they can’t because they’re afraid to.

They’re afraid to be who they want to be and have the life they want to have because they fear people just like them judging them and verbally abusing and harassing them.

Those cruel people have low self-esteem, fear, and insecurities beyond belief.

They don’t know how to be any other way than cruel, and they don’t want to try and be any different. They make the choice to be judgmental and mean, and the rest of us suffer because of their ignorance.

I know all of this to be true but I will admit my heart always breaks a bit when someone is nasty and cruel to me or my loved ones.

But I also have to remember that it’s not me they’re actually judging…they are judging themselves and taking it out on me.

Be kind, my friends, for you never know the what the journey of another human being is like.

Ignore those cruel people and know they are the ones with the problems, not you.

Fear, insecurity, jealousy and low self-esteem: negative emotions that breed negative people.

Don’t be one of them.

Be you.

It’s a good thing.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

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“That’s What Love Does”

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We don’t always understand why someone we love and care about is upset or sad, but we can try.

That’s what love does.

Love listens, it tries to understand, it wraps its’ arms around you to make you feel safe, and it allows you to be who you are.

Love doesn’t criticize you but complement’s you.

Love doesn’t judge you but embraces your flaws.

Love helps to heal you but doesn’t try to hurt you.

True, honest, unconditional love can do some amazing things.

And it’s time that we all share that love with the people we love…

“Shower the people you love with love, show them the way that you feel.”

Because that’s what love does.

And it’s a good thing.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

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“My Family…Together Again”

/ Anne Dennish

Two of my five children live at home, so there are moments I feel the pang of the “empty nest” syndrome. I’ve gotten used to my three oldest living across the country, only seeing them every year or two, so I don’t feel that pain of missing them all living home very often. They’ve been living out of my home for years now and I’m used to my two youngest being the only ones living with me.

Yet yesterday things felt like the old days and I was reminded of just how much I miss having a house filled with five children.

My oldest flew in yesterday morning from the West Coast and it must have been close to family2two years since I’ve seen him. He brought home his beautiful girl for all of us to meet and she was amazing! We all fell in love with her instantly and I’d like to believe that she felt the same about us.

I raced to the airport early in the morning to pick them both up and the tears fell as I saw him. They both walked towards me with open arms, hugs, kisses and some amazing West Coast energy! Just what this mom needed!

Yet seeing him was so much more than a hug…it brought back floods of emotions and memories of having them all live at home together. I remembered family dinners at the table every night and weekends filled with a stream of teenagers in and out and hanging around. It was heaven.

And yesterday felt like old times for me. Seeing him with his two youngest brothers, introducing them to his girl, teasing them and laughing I couldn’t help but feel a sense of peace, of happiness…of true joy.

I had forgotten what it was like to have my family together like that. These days even myfamily3 two youngest are working or going to school and I feel as though they’ve already left the nest.

Last night felt like old times, even though two of my kids were missing. It felt like the family I remembered; the family that grew up and moved on to their own adult lives. Yet as I remembered the memories I was also watching them all together and making new ones. Suddenly the babies and teenagers I remembered were sitting at a restaurant out to dinner with me…yet they were grown up! They had become men in what feels like an instant.

And my four boys have grown up into amazing men, and I don’t say that just because I’m their mom.

They are respectful, kind, compassionate and non-judgmental. They are truly the type of people I had hoped and wished that they would grow up to be.

And they are.

I sat in amazement last night, savoring every moment, taking in all that surrounded me. It was a night I’ll remember forever, until the next time we can all be together to make new memories.

I felt so much pride for these boys last night, especially my oldest. I watched how he spoke to and treated his girl…he loves her, she loves him, and the respect they have for one another is the type a mother hopes her child will find in a partner.

familyAnd he found that.

And I couldn’t be happier for him.

It was incredible night of being a family together again.

It was a night of my heart being so filled with love that it could have exploded.

These boys of mine…they are a gift to the world.

And they have been and always will be a gift to me.

And it’s a good thing.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

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All photos by Anne Dennish