“Podcast 3 – Stay Out Of My Bubble”

“Who’s In Your Bubble?

My friend, Peg, called me the other day to ask my opinion about a situation. She was feeling hurt over someone crossing her boundaries and in seeing the truth of them: that what she thought them to be wasn’t really who they were. She asked me how to get past that emotion of feeling hurt and betrayed.

I thought about it for a moment and came up with this analogy, one which I hope helps everyone.

Picture your life as a bubble and you’re in the center. Let’s say you’re only allowed 10 people in there with you. If you have 6 positive people and 4 negative in there then it’s full…there are no seats left for any other positive people to get in. Your bubble is full to capacity.

I can’t tell anyone enough that it is your decision of who you allow in your bubble, and you should always love yourself enough to want to surround yourself with positive people: people who are loyal to you, have your back, love and respect you, lift you up, support you, and more importantly, are honest with you. You want to keep your “vibe in the tribe” as positive as possible, because negativity breeds negativity and you don’t want an epidemic of that in your bubble!

So, when you realize there’s some negative people in that bubble and you want more positive people taking their place, do the math. You need to end your relationships with the negative people, wish them love and light, be grateful for the lessons they taught you, and move forward. And when you do that, hard as it may be, you’ve just opened a few more seats up in your bubble and have made room for the positive people to come in.

We all find ourselves in this situation now and again, yet it’s important to understand that these experiences happen to teach us a lesson about ourselves. Each of us has the control of who we allow in our bubble and each of us had a choice of keeping it positive or allowing the negative to take up residence.

Who do you have in your bubble? Is the vibe in your tribe a positive one? Are there more negative than positive people in there with you?

Only you know the answer to those questions and only you can choose what’s best for you.

Think about it.

It’s a good thing.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

 

“The Lesson In Disappointment”

A week from today I was supposed to fly to California. It’s a trip I’ve been looking forward to ever since I booked my flight over a month ago. Aside from my “happy place” at the Jersey Shore where I live, Malibu is my other “happy place.” The energy there is amazing and for some reason, I feel like I’m “home” when I’m there. Two years ago I spent a week in a Malibu beach house where I finished my book, “Waking Up.” I did some of my best writing there and it was an intense soul searching time for me as well. This trip was important to me, not only because I’d be in a place I love, but because I’d be seeing my oldest son (who I haven’t seen in over a year), my Nike Nephews and would be writing and working on another book.

Over the last few days my intuition was screaming to me: “It’s not the time to go.” And that thought stuck in my head for days. My sister called me two days ago and said that she had a bad feeling about me going and that I should go another time. She also told me to remember what I always say: Everything happens for a reason. And if there’s one thing I believe in with all my heart and one I tell others is this: trust your intuition because it never lies.

So yesterday morning I had to make an adult, big girl, responsible, smart decision…and they’re not the most fun to make. I cancelled my trip. And to say I was disappointed is an understatement, yet I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. There were too many factors popping up in the last week and I knew days ago that I would have to decide whether to go or not. I don’t like when things get complicated and this trip was beginning to get more and more complicated.

I went to the hairdresser in the morning feeling disappointed and sad and I ran errands feeling disappointed and sad. Those feelings stuck with me all day, yet once I was in the comfort of my home the tears came. The tears started late in the afternoon and continued until I fell asleep. They came in waves over dinner, and came as sobs during my bath. There was nothing I could do to stop the tears; I felt sad, disappointed and broken and I kept wondering “Why did this happen to me?”

And then the answers came through the questions in the tears: because you needed to learn something….and I did.

I remembered what it is I always tell people, and when I heard Elizabeth Gilbert say it I had confirmation that it’s true: set your priorities, make boundaries around your sacred space, and learn to say no.

And that’s true…and I know that, yet I forgot that.

My lesson was that I had lost sight of my priorities, I was allowing people to cross my boundaries, and I was saying “yes” to things I should have been saying “no” to.

So yes, I had a day of sadness and disappointment, of feeling broken, but I knew I had to go through it and get through it and I did. My soul needed to cry long and hard to let go of what I was feeling.

I sit here this morning with a headache and swollen eyes, yet knowing I learned a lesson the hard way…and an important lesson at that.

My point to you is don’t feel badly for having a down day; they happen for a reason and that reason, more often than not, teaches you something that’s for your Highest Good. Sometimes it’s those “dark” days that enable us to see the “light.” Feel what you have to, learn the lesson, and let it go.

Sometimes our biggest disappointments teach us our greatest lessons.

And I’m good with that.

Because this is life…

And it’s a part of the journey. 

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

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“NO” Is A Full Sentence

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“No” is a full sentence.

And that means that there does not need to be an explanation as to WHY you said “no” in the first place.

I’ve always had trouble telling someone “no,” as I’m sure you have as well, whether it’s our children, friends, significant other, or even someone we work with, yet I know there are times I need to say it, and I say it because it doesn’t serve my Highest Good. I could be tired or not feeling well; I could have too much on my plate at that moment or simply need that down time to just “be.”

And at those moments I’ve always felt compelled to give a full explanation as to WHY I said no, yet over the years I’ve learned that I don’t need to do that. The person on the receiving end of my “no” should respect me enough to accept it. End of story.

But not everyone will accept it.

They are the ones that will keep at you until you give them what they want: a “yes.” It’s their way of controlling you because of their own insecurities over controlling themselves. It’s their way of feeding their own ego by knowing they were able to get what they wanted from you; and it’s their way of making you feel “out of control.”

Remember this: “what you allow will continue.”

It’s okay to think of yourself first and do what’s best for YOU, and if that means saying “no” when you need to, then it’s a good thing. And those moments that you say “yes” when you mean “no” can affect those around you, because when you give in to someone you feel frustrated with yourself, and sometimes even defeated that they won.

Don’t let anyone take your power from you or your free will to simply say “no.”

The people who love you will accept a “no,” but more importantly, the people who RESPECT you will.

And for those that don’t?

Let them go.

You control your life; you make your own boundaries with people; and you have the choice to “enable their behavior or disable their control.”

The choice is always yours.

Think about it.

And please remember this: “NO” is a full sentence.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

“Drawing A Line In The Sand”

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Boundaries. I know all about them , write about them, and understand their purpose. Yet, I find myself having allowed boundaries to be crossed…. MY boundaries, that is. It happened without warning, yet it happened. I should have known that the feelings I’ve had in the last few months were my own fault, because I had set boundaries and allowed them to be crossed.

I don’t know if I’m more angry at myself for allowing it to happen or if I’m more upset with the person who crossed them. I was open and honest about my boundaries with them, yet somehow they got lost in the every day business of life and relationships.

Truth is, I have a hard time saying “no” and learning to do this, when it’s for my best interest, is a work in progress. I don’t like confrontation, and I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, especially when it’s someone I love. Yet I missed one very important piece to this puzzle:

“Why did I allow MY feelings to be hurt and why was I more concerned over someone I love when I should be loving myself just the same?”recite-1kfn7mb

Truth…an awakening…a slap of reality. Yes, yet another “waking up” moment for me, and I don’t like it. I allowed boundaries to be crossed that upset me, hurt me, and messed with my health. And I wonder if the other party knows this, because they should.

Everyone handles things their own way. Things that upset me may not bother someone else. Yet aren’t we supposed to respect and understand each others’ feelings? If someone tells us they react to something a certain way, shouldn’t we accept that as their truth? Or that perhaps they’re telling us that so we don’t hurt them?.

This was a difficult one for me to figure out, and it took longer than it usually does. I’m intrigued by what makes people tick, and that includes myself. I always tell my love that I’m probably one of the few people he knows that really knows herself well, and that includes my faults and my strengths. I’ll admit when I’m wrong, and ask for understanding of him when I need it. (Sometimes I think I make it too easy for him…what he can’t figure out about me I tell him! LOL!)

So, now what?

First, I need to forgive myself, because I’m mad that I allowed this to happen.

Second, I need to put the boundaries back in place, although the hurt and damage from them  being crossed is already done.

And third, I need to take a cold, hard look at my life to see what’s working and what’s not.

Why did I allow the lines in the sand to be crossed? Who and what is my priority? How did this mishap of crossing boundaries affect my family and my life?

Lines in the sand…that was my problem. I should have set a solid foundation of cement for the boundary. I thought I had, but sometimes when we worry more about someone else we lose sight of what’s best for us, and more importantly, we lose sight of ourselves.

And I’m guilty of that. And life is going to change. And feelings will be hurt.

Yet out of all of this, I know with all my heart that more wonderful things will come out of this lesson! Hearts will bond stronger, relationships will grow and flourish, and life will go on…even better than it was before the boundaries were crossed.

It’s a life lesson, and as much as I write about it, it’s a lesson I needed to learn. The Universe whacked me once again, waking me up to something important: I stopped looking out for my well being and what was good for me, even though I knew that someone else was causing me pain.

It wasn’t a mistake or something done out of malice, because I accept that it’s yet another lesson, another blessing, and another story to be shared to help and teach someone else.

Boundaries are not meant to be controlling tools; they are tools to protect us and let other’s know that we are to be respected. They are the simplest of ways to let someone know that what they do, what they say, or what they want, is not necessarily for OUR highest good… sometimes it’s just for theirs.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Don’t You Forget About Me”

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For those of you old enough to remember the movie, you’ll understand when I say this: I feel like I’m part of “The Breakfast Club!” And all I can hear is that song playing in my head: “Don’t you….forget about me!”

There have been times in the last few weeks that I find myself feeling “forgotten.” And I have to wonder how and why that’s happened. I always pay attention to someone while they’re speaking to me, I listen to them and try to offer advice if they need it, but more importantly, I respect them. Yet turn the tables and I find myself becoming “white noise” to them, feeling like a burden as I speak to them about me, and more importantly, I feel disrespected. I feel “forgotten.”

This has been going on for some time now, and I’ve been trying to figure out how it happened. I find myself in conversations where I just want to say: “Don’t you forget about me!”

But they do, and they did.

And I’m feeling upset and hurt.

And I allowed it.

The truth is that they didn’t forget about me, I forgot about me. I forgot to do what’s best for me, I forgot to speak my truth, I forgot to be sure they respected my boundaries.

I don’t like confrontation, yet speaking my truth and expressing it to someone with kindness isn’t confrontation; it’s owning who I am. So why is it so difficult for us to do that?

No one likes to hurt someone’s feelings and most of us try to avoid doing that. But what if someone else is doing that to us? Why do we find that acceptable?

We find it acceptable because we don’t like to feel uncomfortable yet:

“Sometimes we have to do something uncomfortable to be comfortable.”

And that is the truth. We, as humans, like things smooth and easy, but if you’re in the right relationship, no matter the type, being yourself and being honest shouldn’t be uncomfortable. All relationships should be based on respect and love, yet sometimes that line gets lost. And we find ourselves stressing over emotions and feelings that we allowed to happen.

Well, it’s time to STOP doing that, because protecting, respecting and loving yourself enough to tell someone the truth IS truth…your truth!

It’s my personal experience that the people that “forget about me” only do so because I’ve “forgotten about me.”

Stand in your truth, respect yourself, stand firm on your boundaries… and remember who you are!

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

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