Month: January 2017

“You’re Invited To My Party”

/ Anne Dennish / Leave a comment

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You’re cordially invited to my pity party, no gifts necessary, just bring your best tales of everything wrong in your life. Wear your sweats and a t-shirt, slippers and bath robe optional. Bring your favorite wine or martini mixers to drown your sorrows in. Only sad movies will be watched and unhealthy snacks will be served. And at the end of it we can all fill up our empty drink glasses with tears.

So, do you want to come?

Not so much, huh?

Me either, yet there’s a day or two along my journey of life that I find myself as the only guest at my pity party. I’ve noticed that no one ever seems to want to go to it with me. Truth be told, I don’t want to be at it either, yet life sometimes sneaks up on us and hands us a “surprise pity party!” And for me, what a surprise it is! It’s the only party I’ve gone to that I can’t wait to be over. And there are no goody bags to take home.surprise

Unless you can change your perspective for a moment…

I’ll be honest, I’m having a surprise pity party today. It started out as a perfectly wonderful day, until my love and I were hit with a few “surprises.” We find ourselves challenging the bank and arguing with a car rental company; people who have no place in our world are trying to bust down the door to get in and consistently lean on the doorbell; emotions are behaving like a roller coaster, and deep sleep is broken by stones being thrown at us in our dreams. We’re running on empty with no signs of a gas station in sight.

Yet, I can still see a “goody bag” in it all. And no, I’m not crazy, I’m just getting better atgoody-bag knowing when it’s time to leave the pity party!

You see, I believe that it’s those occasional “pity party days” that truly help us to appreciate the real party of “life.” It’s those “down” days that make us grateful for the “up” ones. How could you know true happiness unless you had felt a twinge of sadness? How would you know joy without knowing pain?

You wouldn’t, because you’d never learn to see the difference.

And your “goody bag” is your “blessing bag” to take home. It’s the bag at the end of the pity party that you can fill with blessings.

Today as I prepare to say good-bye to this “pity party” and go home, I’ve stuffed my goody bag with the sounds of the laughter of my two boys, the feeling of my loves’ arms wrapped around me when he get’s home from work, the sounds of “Let It Be,” a song I love and was reminded of today, and with the gratitude of having this day at all. And just to be sure, I grabbed an extra handful of happiness for the life I’m blessed to have with my love, my children, and my closest of family and friends.

Well, I’m getting tired and the party is almost over, so I’m taking my goody bag and going home…to the party at home that lives in my heart, not to the pity party in my head.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

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This party’s over…you can go home now!

“Love Them Enough To Let Them Go”

/ Anne Dennish / 6 Comments

Two of my children moved across the country, and people always ask me how I manage missing them and not having them home for every holiday. My answer is this: I love themkids1 enough to let them go.

I’ve learned a thing or two raising five kids in the last 28 years and learning to let them go without a struggle, or  too many tears, or guilt is one of the biggest ones.

No one said it was easy, but it does get easier as you learn how to do it and I’ll tell you this, my kids are thankful that I’ve learned how to do it. My one son told me that he couldn’t do “at home” what he could accomplish across the country. He told me that the best thing I did for him was to let him go and do it on his own. And he did, and I’m so proud of him for it.

What I had to learn is that as much as I want to protect them and shelter them from the craziness of the world, I can’t. They’ll never learn what they need to learn; they’ll never make mistakes that will become valuable lessons for them; and most importantly, they’ll never learn how to stand on their own and be strong.

I realized that I had to learn from my own mistakes and I shouldn’t interfere with their free will to do the same. It’s a simple concept, yet hard to do, but if you truly want the best for your child, you have to love them enough to let them go. And trust me, they always come back.

It’s a funny thing: love travels across the miles with them, and their love for me travels back. Love can’t be taken from them, love goes with them.

I didn’t learn this lesson overnight, as my oldest son would tell you, but as the years passed my faith in them increased. I knew I had taught them right from wrong, and one day they’d have to take all I taught them and do it on their own. And I’m proud to say that they’re all doing pretty well!

I see so many parents struggle with letting their kids go, enabling bad behaviors, doing everything for them that these kids grow into adults who don’t know how to do anything for themselves. They don’t know how to cook, clean, do laundry; they don’t know how to battle their own demons because someone does it for them. They don’t know how to grow up because someone won’t let them. They don’t know how to take responsibility for their actions because someone is always making excuses for them.

And that’s the worst thing you could do to your child.

kids2I’ve been a mom for almost 28 years and have loved every minute of it (well, most every minute of it!) It was so much easier when they were younger and thought everything we said was truth; when we could simply kiss a boo-boo and make it go away; that loving them was enough for them.

And then they grow older and challenge what we say; broken hearts replace simple boo-boo’s that we can’t kiss away; and loving them suddenly doesn’t seem like enough. They want our love, yet they also want the freedom to live their life the way they want to, not the way we had hoped.

They want the right to do it on their own, learn their own lessons, and make their own mistakes, and if you can’t love them enough to let them go, they’ll do all those things but come crying back to you to fix it when it goes wrong…and you can’t do that. Why?

Because then you become an enabler, and an enabler does so because they can’t control their own life, and if you really love your child, why would you enable them? Why would you enable their bad behavior? Why would you enable them to stay dependent on you?

I know, it’s a slippery slope, but I know from my own experience as a parent that the best thing I could have ever done for my kids is to “love them enough to let them go;” love them enough to live their life the way they want; love them enough to make their own mistakes and learn from them.

I miss my  three older kids who are scattered throughout the country, but I know they’re happy, living their dreams, and doing well. And isn’t that what any parent wants?

I’d rather take the hurt of missing them than put guilt on them for living far away.

As long as they’re happy, I’m happy.

And they were very happy that I was the kind of mom who could “love them enough to let them go.”

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

“Then and Now”

“Sweet Nothings”

/ Anne Dennish / Leave a comment

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My love and I went on vacation to a beautiful, sunny tropical part of the country…Florida to be exact. Within 24 hours things between us seemed so different. But in a good way. Yet even in that “good way” I wondered why it couldn’t be like that all the time.

And I wondered if it was because of “me,” or because of “him,” or simply because of circumstance.

Then I realized it was none of these…it was life.

And life at home was different. It wasn’t just “us two,” it was his work, his boss, his obligations and for me, well sadly it was my cleaning, cooking and taking care of him and my children.

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on all of us and I have to say that this is one time I don’t like surprises.

Our vacation brought us together as we had been so long ago, a place that has become so foreign to me. We’ve overcome so many things since we’ve been together, and none of them “our” things. We weathered the storms, rode the waves of life, and came out together. Yet sometimes I wonder if we came out of it differently….disconnected from that incredible love that brought us together and seemed to change the world…or at least the people closest to us.

The forces that challenged us seemed to have sucked the life out of our love and left us with a love that’s tired, worn out and less content than the wonder we first felt.

Did we allow it? Did we let all those things change our love for one another? Maybe we did, maybe we didn’t. But we’re human, and we get tired and even together we only have so invisible-2much to give.

And maybe we gave too much away because we felt we had to. Maybe we gave too much to the wrong people.

But we gave it so willingly because we’re good people, and that’s what good people do.

Yet here I sit and wonder…I wonder where the sweet nothings went and where the “hands on, hands down” for each other went. I wonder where the loyalty went and where it lies. I wonder if it’s the same love or a love that morphed into an emotion of “this is as good as it gets.” I wonder if it’s become a “matter of convenience.”

I loved every minute of our time together on vacation. My love was so relaxed, with no responsibilities of work, no worries of his boss, no thoughts of anything other than a goodrobnanci rum runner and time with me. And we talked, and just hung out, and for the first time in a long time, it was just “us.”

And I began to fall in love with him all over again. I was reminded of what it used to be like in the beginning. I felt safe, I felt loved, and I felt like it was just “us” again.

I felt silly, I felt giddy, I felt that “I can’t wait to be with him” kind of feeling…

And then we came home.

And it changed.

And now I sit thinking and wondering…two things that I didn’t do on the entire vacation.

Maybe “home” is the reality and vacation is the “fantasy and dream” of what we want. Then again, maybe “vacation” is the truth of who we are, separately and together.

Maybe “vacation” is there to remind us of the importance of who we are, and who we are together. Maybe “vacation” is there to remind us that nothing else matters because the strength of love between two people is what makes a difference in those around us.

And sometimes we lose sight of that. Sometimes we forget that what brought us together is what will tear us apart if we forget. What brought us together is what made those we love around us want to share in that and feel it. What brought us together is what should be keeping us together.

But we’re human, and we forget.

I sit here tonight remembering it all…and forgetting nothing. I sit here wondering where the loyalty lies and hoping that the answer I have is the right one. I sit here wondering if I’m still the love of his life.

I wonder…

And I wait…

For even the smallest of sweet nothings…

And then he puts his arms around me and tells me that I am and always will be the love of his life and I tell him that he is mine.

It was the biggest of sweet nothings.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

Just-believe-just-have

 

“Are You An Enabler?”

/ Anne Dennish / Leave a comment

Enabling is “making excuses for someone who is hurting themselves or you, or providing the perfect environment or situation for them to do so. enable-2

That word is a slippery slope for many, and if you are someone who “enables” someone else, then you become “co-dependent.” That is, your existence is based around the behavior of the person you are enabling.

It’s exhausting just thinking about it, yet we’ve all done it in some capacity in our lives; until we realize that the outcome of “enabling” and being “co-dependent” doesn’t’ serve the one we’re enabling, but serves only the “co-dependents” need to control. I’ve found that those who “enable” have no control over their own lives’, or so they believe. They would rather control someone else’s life rather than deal with their own insecurities and lack of control. And the sad part is, they don’t even see what they’re doing as control; they see it as “love.” Yet that’s not love. Controlling someone is not love. Enabling someone to hurt themselves or other’s is not love. It’s their insecurity and lack of control.

You can enable an alcoholic or drug addict by making excuses for them, giving reasons for their addiction, and without realizing that you  are giving them exactly what they need to use or abuse. It may make you feel more comfortable, yet is the most damaging and enable-3hurtful behavior to them.They can only begin recovery when you stop enabling and allow the to be accountable for themselves.

You enable an abusive partner or spouse by making excuses as to why you’re bruised, why your self-esteem is but a foreign concept, and why you deserved to be abused. You’re not helping the abuser to stop, but merely giving him the license and free will to do so. It’s only when you get strong and secure within yourself that you’re able to break free and control YOUR behavior, not theirs.

 

It’s not until you are faced with the ultimate decision: enable the behavior or disable your control. And the truth is, no enabler really has control over the enabled; you just give them a comfort zone of knowing you’ve allowed their destructive behavior to be okay.enable

It’s hard to let someone you love make a mistake or willingly harm themselves, yet it has to be their choice and, ultimately, their decision to stop the destructive behavior. You can say all the right things, do all the right things, and want all the right things, yet that doesn’t make it so. You have to “love them enough to let them go.” Love them enough to make their own mistakes and learn from them. Love them enough to learn to control their own behavior. Love them enough to let them learn to love themselves.

“Enabling” someone will not solve their problem; it will make their problem worse.

You have to ask yourself: Do I want to enable their behavior or disable my control?.

And in your heart you already know the right answer.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

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