narcissist

“PTSD and Me”

/ Anne Dennish / Leave a comment

My heart and soul hurt. It’s a pain that I have no control over because it’s caused by people I love the most: my family.

I understand that I can’t control the behavior of others, but how do you stop them from constantly doing things that they know hurt you? Why do they isolate you from the people you love? Why don’t they care what they’re doing to you?

I was diagnosed with PTSD years ago after a difficult marriage and divorce. I spent years doing what needed to be done to heal myself. It worked, or so I thought. That’s the thing about PTSD; it can come back in an instant and it did.

I used to believe that there is nothing more important than family, but I don’t anymore. It has been close family members that have caused most of the trauma in my life.

Most of my family never really accepted me for who I am. They can’t understand how I can be faced with hard things in life and still remain positive. Their lack of understanding of who I am may be the reason for their behavior towards me.

They prey on my empathetic personality and think nothing of doing what they can to hurt me, and I don’t understand why. I’m no threat to them or anyone else. I’m just this girl who wants to share her experiences with the world in the hopes that someone can relate and know that it will be okay. I’m just this girl that wants to try to change the lives of others and the world for the better. I’m just this girl that tries to teach people that kindness matters and that we are all important.

I have very little contact with these people, yet they know how to get their point across to cause pain.

I’ve always been open about my life and I felt that it was important to do so now. Yes, my PTSD is back and I’m doing what I have to do to heal. I’ve tried to tell one of those family members about how much their behavior hurt me only to be told that I deserved to be treated that way.

No one deserves to be treated badly. No one deserves to be hurt intentionally, and no one deserves to feel worthless because others think that they are. Isn’t there enough pain and heartache going on in the world now? Why be a person who intentionally causes that to others?

I keep telling myself that their behavior towards me is their own insecurities about themselves and that they have to hurt me in order for them to feel good about themselves. They are the narcissists and abusers of the world and sadly, they are part of mine.

I’ve begun my journey of healing. I have to forgive them so that the anger doesn’t continue but I do NOT have to forget what they’ve done to me, and I never will. Unfortunately, family is connected in one way or another so cutting them out of my life is one thing, yet the connection is still there.

This is not the way that I intended to end 2024 yet I have learned so much with all that’s happened

that it’s time to begin 2025 without them.

I’m grateful for the life lessons, painful or not, that have placed me on this journey of healing. I intend to embrace each and every step along the way.

And for any of you going through something similar, I’m here for you. Together we can help each other to heal and hopefully, we can heal the world!

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~

“My Strength Is Their Weakness”

/ Anne Dennish / Leave a comment

strength and weakness

I wrote that quote many years ago near the end of my 20 year marriage. As I began to heal physically and emotionally from all the turmoil of that, I realized that it was at my moments of anxiety, sadness or depression that he became strong. At first I thought he was showing true signs of kindness, yet in time I realized what was really happening: I was feeding his ego and he was starving my self-esteem.  He felt like “the big man” helping the poor, defenseless, broken woman. The woman HE broke. The woman he was abusive to; the woman he told over and over again was stupid and ugly; the woman he told would never be loved by anyone.

And I believed him…until I stopped believing him.

Are you wondering how I stopped believing all that negative stuff he had embedded onto my brain? I woke up. I realized that I had allowed him free reign over me for many years and that by doing that, the behavior continued. I allowed him to speak down to me and allowed him to be disrespectful to me.  So, one day I woke up and stopped allowing it, and the marriage was done and over with.

I went through years of healing myself mentally and emotionally, and of course it was with the help of many spiritual teachers and a wonderful tribe of true friends.

I learned so much about myself and that loving myself first was the answer to not allowing anyone else to treat me that way. You’d think it would never happen again, yet I’m human; we’re all human. Sometimes life brings you an experience that you thought you had learned the lessons from…yet life knows when you forget the lesson. And the Universe will put a similar experience back into your way until you wake up and realize that what you stopped allowing years ago, you’re allowing once again.

Even after that divorce I would find myself meeting someone whose ego was strengthened by my weakness, and for those that know me, they know I’m anything but weak. It would sporadically happen here and there throughout the years, yet know I’m much more able to recognize it when it’s happening. I’ve learned that those people lack control of their own life so they try and control mine; they lack self-respect and are unable to respect anyone else; they don’t feel strong unless they’re paired up with someone weak.

And I am no longer that girl.

I want to be treated the way I deserve and the way that I treat others: with love, kindness, compassion, consideration and loyalty. And I won’t settle for anything less. I want to be loved for the person I am, quirks and all, because I love that person that I’ve become.

We all have moments of feeling weak and that’s okay; it’s those moments that help us to find our strength again and stand back up on our feet even stronger.

We all have moments of finding ourselves back in a situation that we thought would never return and that’s okay; you’re given that situation to remind you of the lesson you forgot.

And we all find ourselves staring into the mirror, looking at ourselves and wondering how we got here and what happened to us, and that’s okay; keep looking in that mirror long enough and you’ll once again see the person you thought was lost.

It’s those moments of feeling lost that we’re actually finding ourselves again, and we’re finding an even better and stronger version of the person we once were.

Life is about balance and we all fall out of balance every so often. It’s when the world around us is spinning out of control that we see the truth of everything, and it’s those moments we find our balance again.

Don’t let anyone make you feel weak; surround yourself with people that make you strong.

Don’t spend your precious time feeding someone’s ego; spend your time feeding your self-esteem.

And don’t rely on anyone loving you the way you want to be loved; love yourself that way first and the rest will fall into place.

Everything in your life begins with YOU.

Stop allowing what you don’t want to continue.

Forgive yourself when you forgot a lesson you learned and get back on track.

And love yourself.

If you do nothing else, love yourself.

Everything is possible when you begin with love.

Wishing you love and light,

~Anne Dennish~